i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
