I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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