I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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