A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
