It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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