They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
