I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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