Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
