I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
