Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
