A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
