Just fell off a train. Bad.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
