I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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