I need help removing her.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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