Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We were destined to go to rehab together
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
