There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
