i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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