I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
