I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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