You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
