I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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