It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
