Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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