Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Damn victory sex feels great
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
