Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
