Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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