Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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