I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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