we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
