Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
