Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
