why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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