I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
