I wanna passion pit in your ass
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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