I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
