Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
