i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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