How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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