I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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