Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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