she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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