mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize