Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Found your dick twin last night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
