I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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