Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
