Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
