I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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