its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
