but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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