I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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