i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
