he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
