my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
