like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
