my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
