yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My ass is underappreciated
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
