I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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