smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
