would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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