i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
