one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
