i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
